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Literature Text
When I loved you,
My teeth were
coated in sweat,
And I wanted to live
in the miracles that I saw
behind your eyes.
I wanted-
I wanted to curl up in that place,
that multiverse of wonders.
When I hated you,
The world was one big satire.
Anger and comedy go ever so well together.
I wanted-
Don't you know?
You shouldn't start a sentence with 'I wanted'.
It's rude.
Sometimes things are beautiful-
Because they exist in a
supernova instant.
And you live with that memory of infinite wonder,
playing behind your eyes forever.
My teeth were
coated in sweat,
And I wanted to live
in the miracles that I saw
behind your eyes.
I wanted-
I wanted to curl up in that place,
that multiverse of wonders.
Well where are those miracles now?
When I hated you,
The world was one big satire.
Anger and comedy go ever so well together.
I wanted-
Don't you know?
You shouldn't start a sentence with 'I wanted'.
It's rude.
I can be shallow if I want to be. You can't stop me.
Sometimes things are beautiful-
Because they exist in a
supernova instant.
And you live with that memory of infinite wonder,
playing behind your eyes forever.
Well, it's nothing like that at all.
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Urban and Spoken words because I think it sounds nice read out loud. 
Sometimes I have a number of metaphors floating about in my head and when I put them together, I like them.
This is one of those times.
Also- Experimenting with spacing- Do you like the shorter, broken lines of this piece or do you think it would be better if formatted differently?
Can you see the subscript effect? It's not showing on my computer, but the HTML coding is there.
And, more importantly-Did you like it?
Well thanks for reading! Any feedback is appreciated.
Sometimes I have a number of metaphors floating about in my head and when I put them together, I like them.
This is one of those times.
Also- Experimenting with spacing- Do you like the shorter, broken lines of this piece or do you think it would be better if formatted differently?
Can you see the subscript effect? It's not showing on my computer, but the HTML coding is there.
And, more importantly-Did you like it?
Well thanks for reading! Any feedback is appreciated.
© 2011 - 2024 Puppy-eater
Comments25
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Overall Vision Originality
Technique ImpactGiven this if my first 'formal' critique, I'll answer the questions you posed in your comments and go into specifics there. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Smile)"/>The use of broken lines can be highly effective if used in the right places (typically is areas where it adds a dramatic flourish, but that's more my own stylistic opinion than anything). In your poem, I found them to be used rather well for the most part. Format aside, there is one part I felt was a little odd, for lack of a better word:
I wanted-
I wanted to curl up in that place
The reason that felt odd to me is the repetition there; it doesn't show up anywhere else. I realize that the phrase 'I wanted' is the second stanza, and I rather like how it adds a bit of disjunction (a very nice effect, in my opinion) to refer back to where it is first used, but if feels odd in the first stanza. Simply writing 'I wanted to curl up in that place' without 'I wanted-' before it may have had a stronger impact, at least with me. Given this is spoken word, perhaps hearing it read aloud the way you envisioned would make it flow better, but since I can't hear it then I'm afraid I'm stuck going by what I hear in my head.
All that said, I like the rest of the poem. Free verse and spoken word are favorites of mine, and this poem gives examples of why. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Smile)"/> So, that probably answers your last question.